I'm not sure where I stand on matters of spirituality or the paranormal. I buy into it a little, and I've found myself on the approving side of New Age philosophy on occasion. I was all for hypnotherapy (which I view as half New Age-y, half actual science). I do believe in astrological signs as descriptors, with natal charts and the like, but not horoscopes. I think there are spirits among us, and I do believe some people have psychic abilities. I'm not deep into any of it, because I'm skeptical by nature and some that claim to be “psychics,” “mediums,” etc. are really just preying on and deceiving those who buy into it. There are more fakes out there than those with actual gifts. So I believe this stuff is real; I just don't believe it happens as often we'd like to think.
That said... For a long time, I've wanted to see a psychic. I've been apprehensive about it, though, and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I was afraid they'd see my apprehension as full-on skepticism, because I know they don't like to read skeptics. However, a few days ago, I asked on Facebook if anyone knew of a psychic in the area. So on suggestion, I ended up doing an email reading with a local psychic, and I asked her three questions.
Almost everything she said was right on. Then the inner skeptic came out, and I had to Google myself and find out just how much information about me was easily found on the internet. Everything out there comes from my personal blogs, none of which were viewed in that time period. Plus, although I told her my name, she called me by the wrong name in the email (it happens a lot – stupid last name that sounds like a first name). So she would have been Googling the wrong person. So... I think it was legit.
I'm not going to publish the whole thing here, but I'll summarize what she said.
I asked: “I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, and I've been struggling to better understand the source so that I can heal. Would you have any insight on that?”
She said my anxiety mainly stems from pressure I put on myself and feeling like I'm not where I should be in my life. She also said she feels this is something I've gotten from my mother, and that I “may want to do some work concerning mom, really realizing that you two are separate and you have your own choices in life to make.” Now, I didn't tell her anything about my mother. Nothing. But that's accurate. With regard to my panic attacks, she said: “It seems like you have panic attacks when you are out of the house, or I see you driving in the car having one.” Um, yes. That happens. She feels like that has something to with a past life, and to remind myself what year it is to ease them. She also mentions she thinks I have a serotonin imbalance, and that's put me into a depression, which is exacerbating everything. And...yes, also true.
I asked: “I honestly don't know what to do with my education and career, and have been waiting for a long time to find myself passionate about something. When will I figure this out?”
She told me she felt I already had a degree, but to “finish [my] degree.” Which makes sense, because I've been dragging my feet on grad school and all. She sees me in teaching or psychology, and dealing with children (I know, right?). And that does match up with what I've been looking at. She also said: “Your passion isn't there, just because I think you talk yourself out of things before you can finish them, or realize that you can make them your own. Meaning when ever you choose something you think you are going to like, you then start focusing on the negative aspects of the career and that stops you from following through.” And yeah, I've struggled with not having passion for a long time, and yeah, I do exactly what she said. Basically she said I'm being too negative and “selling myself short,” and I have to work to overcome the depression and get involved with something.
I asked: “I'm also very lonely, and have been for a while. Will I find a partner anytime soon?”
She said she sees that I have a very small circle of friends, and I don't go out very often. And I need to change that (yes, I've been hearing that for a while). She thinks I've been “nursing a heartbreak” after a bad breakup, and we all know that's not exactly true. I'll probably think about that a little more and find something that fits, though. She said people are interested in me, but I “don't see [my] worth right now,” and I'm not “in the frame of mind to see them.” She sees me with a man who has brown, wavy hair (but of course cautions me not to just look for that in a partner), and encourages me to partake of internet dating. How about that?
She ended by saying that she thinks I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, and she sees things changing for me around the new year, mainly concerning work. That will change my outlook and improve the course of my life.
Overall... Yeah. Very accurate. I'm tempted to get a more in-depth reading in-person sometime soon, as well. There you have it.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Day 85: Changes.
Well. I've got a bit to discuss.
First things first... I took the GRE last Friday. I wasn't sure I was going to keep my appointment (logistics of getting a ride), so I didn't start any “studying” until a week before. I'm usually not one to prepare for a standardized test. The night before I took the SAT, for example, I was out until 1:30AM...and I'm pretty sure I'd been drinking. Yeah, I was 16. Don't judge. I did fine on the test, by the way. This time, though, with having been out of the academic loop for a while, I figured it was a little more important to review.
My mother drove me up and dropped me off. I was anxious. Not about the test, but the environment. I don't know these people. I can't leave. And I was preoccupied, so I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk on my way into the building and rolled my ankle, because I'm just that awesome. But I hobbled in and took the test. Despite not finishing the last four questions on one of the quantitative sections, I actually finished the whole thing in well under the allowed time. My grandparents were picking me up, but I was done 45 minutes before they were coming, so I sat outside at the picnic table, trying not to focus on the fact that I was alone and there was no escape.
But I made it. And according to my preliminary scores, I did pretty well.
Next on the agenda was my partially-triumphant return to work. After I saw my psychiatrist, he suggested returning part-time to ease my way back into things. So I'm only working 20 hours for a few weeks. Work is... Well, pretty much the same. A couple new people, a couple that aren't there anymore... But the dynamics are no different than before I left. The only change now is that I get to hide in a room toward the back of the store with one or two other people. I don't see nearly as many customers, and I don't do a whole lot of interacting with the rest of my coworkers. And I think that's probably best for me right now. I get to be alone and get acclimated to being at work again.
I'm far more anxious driving to and from work than I am when I'm there. So that's...good, I guess. And driving has gotten much, much better. I can handle the distance to work. On Monday, I have to see my doctor a little further away, and that'll probably be a test. But that's the only thing I have to do that day, so I won't feel pressure to get back by a certain time or whatever. I'm getting there. I really am.
So where am I now? Well... I'm going to use the free time I have while I'm only working 20 hours to work on grad school applications and possibly finding a job in a field to which I'm more suited. I'm still not completely sure where I'm applying and what programs I'm looking at. So with as much research as I feel like I've done, I'm still in the researching stage. I have a vague idea of what I want. But I'm not sure “vague” is going to do it for me. So... I just need to keep looking. I want all the applications to be in by the time my GRE scores are reported, though. So I can't look forever.
I'm disillusioned when it comes to relationships at the moment. I have a theory that, for myself at least, it would only take one thing going right to cause a chain reaction of positive events that would turn my life around. And I believed it should start with a relationship. I thought, if I found someone who cared about me despite my faults, that would give me the confidence to meet more people, then get the job I want, the education I want... To just get out there and feel more comfortable with myself because I knew there was at least one person that accepted me just as I was, so it would be possible that others, in any context, could do the same. It still makes sense to me, but I'm not sure it's necessary.
I was relying on outside influences to...give me worth. Or something. And I think the approval of others is important; most humans do. And I want that approval. But I need to approve of myself first, and I'm not sure I do yet. I'm frustrated, given everything I've gone through over the past few months. I'm on the right path. I genuinely believe that. But I think I've been putting my priorities in the wrong order. What I want and what I need are two different things, and I've got to figure out what's what. And that may ultimately mean I shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
Mindfuck, right?
I've got more. But I'll save it for a new entry.
First things first... I took the GRE last Friday. I wasn't sure I was going to keep my appointment (logistics of getting a ride), so I didn't start any “studying” until a week before. I'm usually not one to prepare for a standardized test. The night before I took the SAT, for example, I was out until 1:30AM...and I'm pretty sure I'd been drinking. Yeah, I was 16. Don't judge. I did fine on the test, by the way. This time, though, with having been out of the academic loop for a while, I figured it was a little more important to review.
My mother drove me up and dropped me off. I was anxious. Not about the test, but the environment. I don't know these people. I can't leave. And I was preoccupied, so I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk on my way into the building and rolled my ankle, because I'm just that awesome. But I hobbled in and took the test. Despite not finishing the last four questions on one of the quantitative sections, I actually finished the whole thing in well under the allowed time. My grandparents were picking me up, but I was done 45 minutes before they were coming, so I sat outside at the picnic table, trying not to focus on the fact that I was alone and there was no escape.
But I made it. And according to my preliminary scores, I did pretty well.
Next on the agenda was my partially-triumphant return to work. After I saw my psychiatrist, he suggested returning part-time to ease my way back into things. So I'm only working 20 hours for a few weeks. Work is... Well, pretty much the same. A couple new people, a couple that aren't there anymore... But the dynamics are no different than before I left. The only change now is that I get to hide in a room toward the back of the store with one or two other people. I don't see nearly as many customers, and I don't do a whole lot of interacting with the rest of my coworkers. And I think that's probably best for me right now. I get to be alone and get acclimated to being at work again.
I'm far more anxious driving to and from work than I am when I'm there. So that's...good, I guess. And driving has gotten much, much better. I can handle the distance to work. On Monday, I have to see my doctor a little further away, and that'll probably be a test. But that's the only thing I have to do that day, so I won't feel pressure to get back by a certain time or whatever. I'm getting there. I really am.
So where am I now? Well... I'm going to use the free time I have while I'm only working 20 hours to work on grad school applications and possibly finding a job in a field to which I'm more suited. I'm still not completely sure where I'm applying and what programs I'm looking at. So with as much research as I feel like I've done, I'm still in the researching stage. I have a vague idea of what I want. But I'm not sure “vague” is going to do it for me. So... I just need to keep looking. I want all the applications to be in by the time my GRE scores are reported, though. So I can't look forever.
I'm disillusioned when it comes to relationships at the moment. I have a theory that, for myself at least, it would only take one thing going right to cause a chain reaction of positive events that would turn my life around. And I believed it should start with a relationship. I thought, if I found someone who cared about me despite my faults, that would give me the confidence to meet more people, then get the job I want, the education I want... To just get out there and feel more comfortable with myself because I knew there was at least one person that accepted me just as I was, so it would be possible that others, in any context, could do the same. It still makes sense to me, but I'm not sure it's necessary.
I was relying on outside influences to...give me worth. Or something. And I think the approval of others is important; most humans do. And I want that approval. But I need to approve of myself first, and I'm not sure I do yet. I'm frustrated, given everything I've gone through over the past few months. I'm on the right path. I genuinely believe that. But I think I've been putting my priorities in the wrong order. What I want and what I need are two different things, and I've got to figure out what's what. And that may ultimately mean I shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
Mindfuck, right?
I've got more. But I'll save it for a new entry.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day 75: Intercourse.
Okay, this is back on the primary topic. I'm going to talk about...sex. Or, more accurately, the prelude to sex.
I'm now working with another therapist in the same office, along with the therapist I've been seeing over the past couple months. Both have mentioned that I exhibit characteristics of a trauma survivor, and the trust issues, feelings of inferiority, and fear of abandonment that accompany it. I don't really remember much before the age of 14 or so, so if that's indeed the case – that I've been through some extreme trauma – it's nothing that I can recall. And yes, I realize that's also a characteristic of a trauma survivor. But no one's searching for any repressed memories. If it's not there, it's not there. We're not going to dwell on it; we're just going to deal with the result.
I've considered that I might have trust issues. But then when I reflect upon how I relate to people, I've not found myself to be particularly distrustful. I'm just about as cynical as a person can be, but I'm also a pretty good judge of character and I analyze everyone from the second I meet them. And if someone's not worth trusting, I'll generally figure it out pretty quickly. I'm fair. Everyone is under the same microscope, and if I don't like what I see, I don't pursue something. I consider it healthy skepticism. I will say, however, that once someone loses my trust, it's one hell of an uphill battle to earn it back. So I'm not sure I agree that I have issues there. Or maybe I just have a narrow view of what “trust” means, and my willingness to trust doesn't play as big a role as I think it does unless reciprocation is considered.
Inferiority? Yeah, I've got that. Fear of abandonment? Sure. My biggest obstacle when it comes to getting close to people is the perception that I always care more than the other party. I care more, I invest more, I feel more. Their impact on me is greater than my impact on them. It's the feeling that I'm disposable, forgettable...an afterthought. I avoid getting close to people because they can never seem to give at the level I want. I know it sounds strange coming from someone like me, since I rarely articulate my feelings to anyone or hug them or do any of those silly little things to let them know I'm thinking of them. I don't do direct displays of affection because I'm awkward. And because of that, I've cultivated a reputation for being a little cold and aloof and...well, kind of a bitch. But all of the emotionality is under the surface, and maybe I get burned because I can't quite ever share it when I really should, when it would bring me one step closer to really finding someone to give as much as I'd like.
Today in therapy we discussed the issue of “fakeness,” and how much I hate it. And we discussed change and how difficult I build it up to be. Often I have trouble discerning whether any change I may undergo is actual growth or if it's disingenuous to who I am. If I were to decide tomorrow that I was going to be a tactile, affectionate person who would sit people down and tell them what they mean to me... Is that me tapping into another part of myself, and learning to embrace that maybe that's something I want? Or am I doing it because other people expect that, and without it I won't be seen as an emotional, caring person who is capable of making deep connections? I want to believe it's not necessary for me to be outwardly sappy in order for someone to take me and my desire for emotional intimacy seriously, and I've been operating with that in mind. But it's hard not to question it when I'm... Well, where I am.
My therapist thinks I should have sex. Not, like, go out and do it tonight. But make significant steps toward being able to accept and enjoy physical intimacy, or even to accept and enjoy the idea that another person may want to be physically intimate with me. Because I have trouble with that. And with that, we're getting into a bunch of things... Being insecure about my looks, worrying that my inexperience will cause my partner to be disappointed... Not wanting to be a project for anyone. Nobody wants that. I get that we're all evolving (or at least we should be), but I'm so far behind my peers where this stuff is concerned. Anyone who gets involved with me is entering into a process. It'll require time and patience and support – more than in a typical relationship. Those things are not at the top of the priority list of the average 20-something male. I hear the voices in my head saying cliché things, like, “If he's the right guy, it won't matter.” Okay, maybe. But I'm not looking for Mr. Right. I'm beyond idealizing the situation. I'm over that. I've made my lists and painted all the perfect pictures in my head, and that's not reality. Things don't happen like that. Mr. Right Now is going to need to be okay with all of this, and that's where I get stuck.
There are other voices in my head saying I haven't been “out there” enough, haven't met enough people to know it's impossible. That I'm making assumptions. And maybe that's true, too. But all the insecurity feeds into that and keeps me from really trying as hard as I could. It's an evil cycle.
There's so much going on in my life (despite my incredible level of boredom). This stuff has been put on the back burner, because there are more immediate issues. But the pain is still there. And this may be the only time you'll catch me saying it...but it does hurt. It hurts a lot.
I walk the line between being completely unapologetic about who I am and what I have or haven't done...and feeling a little bit of shame for it. Until I reconcile that, I'm going be exactly where I am right now. Stuck.
I'm now working with another therapist in the same office, along with the therapist I've been seeing over the past couple months. Both have mentioned that I exhibit characteristics of a trauma survivor, and the trust issues, feelings of inferiority, and fear of abandonment that accompany it. I don't really remember much before the age of 14 or so, so if that's indeed the case – that I've been through some extreme trauma – it's nothing that I can recall. And yes, I realize that's also a characteristic of a trauma survivor. But no one's searching for any repressed memories. If it's not there, it's not there. We're not going to dwell on it; we're just going to deal with the result.
I've considered that I might have trust issues. But then when I reflect upon how I relate to people, I've not found myself to be particularly distrustful. I'm just about as cynical as a person can be, but I'm also a pretty good judge of character and I analyze everyone from the second I meet them. And if someone's not worth trusting, I'll generally figure it out pretty quickly. I'm fair. Everyone is under the same microscope, and if I don't like what I see, I don't pursue something. I consider it healthy skepticism. I will say, however, that once someone loses my trust, it's one hell of an uphill battle to earn it back. So I'm not sure I agree that I have issues there. Or maybe I just have a narrow view of what “trust” means, and my willingness to trust doesn't play as big a role as I think it does unless reciprocation is considered.
Inferiority? Yeah, I've got that. Fear of abandonment? Sure. My biggest obstacle when it comes to getting close to people is the perception that I always care more than the other party. I care more, I invest more, I feel more. Their impact on me is greater than my impact on them. It's the feeling that I'm disposable, forgettable...an afterthought. I avoid getting close to people because they can never seem to give at the level I want. I know it sounds strange coming from someone like me, since I rarely articulate my feelings to anyone or hug them or do any of those silly little things to let them know I'm thinking of them. I don't do direct displays of affection because I'm awkward. And because of that, I've cultivated a reputation for being a little cold and aloof and...well, kind of a bitch. But all of the emotionality is under the surface, and maybe I get burned because I can't quite ever share it when I really should, when it would bring me one step closer to really finding someone to give as much as I'd like.
Today in therapy we discussed the issue of “fakeness,” and how much I hate it. And we discussed change and how difficult I build it up to be. Often I have trouble discerning whether any change I may undergo is actual growth or if it's disingenuous to who I am. If I were to decide tomorrow that I was going to be a tactile, affectionate person who would sit people down and tell them what they mean to me... Is that me tapping into another part of myself, and learning to embrace that maybe that's something I want? Or am I doing it because other people expect that, and without it I won't be seen as an emotional, caring person who is capable of making deep connections? I want to believe it's not necessary for me to be outwardly sappy in order for someone to take me and my desire for emotional intimacy seriously, and I've been operating with that in mind. But it's hard not to question it when I'm... Well, where I am.
My therapist thinks I should have sex. Not, like, go out and do it tonight. But make significant steps toward being able to accept and enjoy physical intimacy, or even to accept and enjoy the idea that another person may want to be physically intimate with me. Because I have trouble with that. And with that, we're getting into a bunch of things... Being insecure about my looks, worrying that my inexperience will cause my partner to be disappointed... Not wanting to be a project for anyone. Nobody wants that. I get that we're all evolving (or at least we should be), but I'm so far behind my peers where this stuff is concerned. Anyone who gets involved with me is entering into a process. It'll require time and patience and support – more than in a typical relationship. Those things are not at the top of the priority list of the average 20-something male. I hear the voices in my head saying cliché things, like, “If he's the right guy, it won't matter.” Okay, maybe. But I'm not looking for Mr. Right. I'm beyond idealizing the situation. I'm over that. I've made my lists and painted all the perfect pictures in my head, and that's not reality. Things don't happen like that. Mr. Right Now is going to need to be okay with all of this, and that's where I get stuck.
There are other voices in my head saying I haven't been “out there” enough, haven't met enough people to know it's impossible. That I'm making assumptions. And maybe that's true, too. But all the insecurity feeds into that and keeps me from really trying as hard as I could. It's an evil cycle.
There's so much going on in my life (despite my incredible level of boredom). This stuff has been put on the back burner, because there are more immediate issues. But the pain is still there. And this may be the only time you'll catch me saying it...but it does hurt. It hurts a lot.
I walk the line between being completely unapologetic about who I am and what I have or haven't done...and feeling a little bit of shame for it. Until I reconcile that, I'm going be exactly where I am right now. Stuck.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Day 66: Trying.
And to continue from last night's entry...
At the end of my Day 36 entry, I mentioned the work situation – how I was looking for something else, and I'd gotten interviews. I did have the phone interview, which lead to an in-person interview. And I did go (thanks to an awesome friend who went out of his way to give me a ride). It went well. They liked me. I had a second phone interview with another person at the company, and I expressed that I did need health insurance. She said she was unsure whether there was any benefit structure in place currently (it's a very small company), but last she knew it was being worked on, and she would mention it to the owner. And that was the last I heard from them. They called all my references, did a background check... Then it was over. I never followed up, because I was pretty sure they just didn't have the benefits to offer and they knew I wouldn't accept the job. The other job... After canceling the interview twice, they continued to pursue me. But I wasn't going to make it, so I stopped responding.
But the important part here is that I proved to myself exactly what I set out to prove: I can get something else. I found two companies that were interested in me, as I am (I gave them full disclosure on my anxiety, and both were fine with it). I didn't get a job out of it, but it wasn't because of any personal fault (er...outside of not being able to drive to an interview at that point, but I don't consider that an essential part of my personality or anything). Is it frustrating to have gone through the process for nothing tangible to come of it? Sure. But I've been there before. And this time it felt different.
I'm still schedule to take the GRE on the 16th. I may postpone it, because I'm feeling enough pressure to be ready to go back to work on the 19th. Plus I procrastinated on the studying, and I realized the other night that I'm completely math inept now, and I don't know if I can fully refresh myself in two weeks. I may see if I can schedule it for the last day in September so I can still get the discount (it was half price). I've been doing more looking at grad schools, and even debating going back full-time as a graduate assistant. If I can pay off my credit card and my car in the next year, and get a cheap apartment with a roommate closer to the school (most likely UConn, maybe back to UHart – I don't want to go that far, and no other schools around here offer anything close to what I want), I may be able to make it on the grad assistant salary. Maybe. It's less than half what I make now. I've lived on that before, with the bills I have now, but throw rent and utilities into the mix and... I don't know. I need to think more.
And since I feel like I've been ignoring the initial point of this blog and project...
I'm having a terrible time meeting people. I still have a month left of my Match.com subscription, but I've been uninterested in even trying to wade through the profiles and find someone even remotely attractive to me. I've met a couple on OkCupid, but it's been virtually impossible for anyone to keep communicating with me, apparently. Going over a week between inane messages won't work for me. And I went out on a limb and gave a guy my number after only talking for a couple hours. We texted the rest of the night, and a couple hours the next night, and I must have said something wrong, because I never heard from him again. I posted an ad on CraigsList, and I was corresponding with a couple pretty cool people for about two weeks...who then completely stopped replying. So in some sense, I've been trying a little. And not getting anything out of it.
Do people know that I'm not happy with myself right now? Is this truly a case of putting out the wrong vibe without knowing I'm doing it? I mean... I've been very upfront with all of these people. I tell them what I'm going through, and they're fine with it, and we never mention it again. Sure, maybe it's in the back of their minds, and they're wondering just how much it influences the personality I'm showing them. And that's justified. There is an influence, but I'm not convinced it's all that great. Nor is it any different than one, two, five years ago, because this isn't a new thing for me. Just a little more apparent. I don't know... Usually I'm screwing myself by not putting myself out there. But it always happens that, when I do, I get disappointed. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm sure I could babble more... But I'll stop here. And try to be more regular with updating.
At the end of my Day 36 entry, I mentioned the work situation – how I was looking for something else, and I'd gotten interviews. I did have the phone interview, which lead to an in-person interview. And I did go (thanks to an awesome friend who went out of his way to give me a ride). It went well. They liked me. I had a second phone interview with another person at the company, and I expressed that I did need health insurance. She said she was unsure whether there was any benefit structure in place currently (it's a very small company), but last she knew it was being worked on, and she would mention it to the owner. And that was the last I heard from them. They called all my references, did a background check... Then it was over. I never followed up, because I was pretty sure they just didn't have the benefits to offer and they knew I wouldn't accept the job. The other job... After canceling the interview twice, they continued to pursue me. But I wasn't going to make it, so I stopped responding.
But the important part here is that I proved to myself exactly what I set out to prove: I can get something else. I found two companies that were interested in me, as I am (I gave them full disclosure on my anxiety, and both were fine with it). I didn't get a job out of it, but it wasn't because of any personal fault (er...outside of not being able to drive to an interview at that point, but I don't consider that an essential part of my personality or anything). Is it frustrating to have gone through the process for nothing tangible to come of it? Sure. But I've been there before. And this time it felt different.
I'm still schedule to take the GRE on the 16th. I may postpone it, because I'm feeling enough pressure to be ready to go back to work on the 19th. Plus I procrastinated on the studying, and I realized the other night that I'm completely math inept now, and I don't know if I can fully refresh myself in two weeks. I may see if I can schedule it for the last day in September so I can still get the discount (it was half price). I've been doing more looking at grad schools, and even debating going back full-time as a graduate assistant. If I can pay off my credit card and my car in the next year, and get a cheap apartment with a roommate closer to the school (most likely UConn, maybe back to UHart – I don't want to go that far, and no other schools around here offer anything close to what I want), I may be able to make it on the grad assistant salary. Maybe. It's less than half what I make now. I've lived on that before, with the bills I have now, but throw rent and utilities into the mix and... I don't know. I need to think more.
And since I feel like I've been ignoring the initial point of this blog and project...
I'm having a terrible time meeting people. I still have a month left of my Match.com subscription, but I've been uninterested in even trying to wade through the profiles and find someone even remotely attractive to me. I've met a couple on OkCupid, but it's been virtually impossible for anyone to keep communicating with me, apparently. Going over a week between inane messages won't work for me. And I went out on a limb and gave a guy my number after only talking for a couple hours. We texted the rest of the night, and a couple hours the next night, and I must have said something wrong, because I never heard from him again. I posted an ad on CraigsList, and I was corresponding with a couple pretty cool people for about two weeks...who then completely stopped replying. So in some sense, I've been trying a little. And not getting anything out of it.
Do people know that I'm not happy with myself right now? Is this truly a case of putting out the wrong vibe without knowing I'm doing it? I mean... I've been very upfront with all of these people. I tell them what I'm going through, and they're fine with it, and we never mention it again. Sure, maybe it's in the back of their minds, and they're wondering just how much it influences the personality I'm showing them. And that's justified. There is an influence, but I'm not convinced it's all that great. Nor is it any different than one, two, five years ago, because this isn't a new thing for me. Just a little more apparent. I don't know... Usually I'm screwing myself by not putting myself out there. But it always happens that, when I do, I get disappointed. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm sure I could babble more... But I'll stop here. And try to be more regular with updating.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Day 65: Empty.
Yeah, it's been almost a month since my last entry. I've become terrible at keeping up with this. I feel even more guilty because this is supposed to be a six month project. I suppose a lot, and yet nothing at all, has happened.
I'm still not at work. Now scheduled to go back September 19. The past few weeks have been busy (not for me, but for others around me), and I haven't been able to get to therapy as much as I think is necessary. My psychiatrist agreed, and gave me the extra month. Overall, I'm just...okay. I guess that's better than bad, but I'm still not pleased with it.
My mother and I have had our share of clashes recently. She had been planning her annual vacation to New Hampshire, and I wasn't exactly thrilled about being completely alone for the duration, but I told her to do whatever she wanted. Initially she was going to have my grandparents stay here, but then my grandmother ended up in the hospital. So I was on my own. I tried to get a therapy appointment before she left, and what I ended up with was a 2PM on the day she was leaving. Her plan was to leave at noon. I asked, nicely, if she could come with me to the appointment and then leave for New Hampshire after. She said no. She couldn't put her vacation off for that small amount of time to help me. I was furious. So I was already not pleased that I'd be even more alone than usual for five days, but she was leaving me alone and upset. In the end, I was fine. But the way she acted didn't sit well with me.
This past week, there was some confusion about my therapy appointment. First I thought it was Tuesday at 2:15. So I asked my mother if she could leave work a little early to come with me. She wasn't happy about it, but she did it. Then my therapist contacted me around 1 and said she made a mistake, and the opening was Wednesday. I called my mother, who was on her way home...and she yelled at me. It wasn't my fault. It was just a mistake. She ended up going back to work and then leaving early Wednesday. But she was, again, really angry and put out. And I get it. I know she doesn't like taking the time off. But I am asking you for help. I do not have anyone else. Look at it from my perspective.
Even worse was that she told me she was lying to her boss about why she was leaving. When she said that, I hung up on her and started to cry. That was so patently offensive to me. Like she was trying to hide it. Like I was some kind of embarassment. When she got home, she explained that she just didn't want people at work knowing her business. But then she also told me this was the last time she would lie for me, like I'm a criminal she's done protecting or something. Which made me feel awesome.
I'm having issues with all people lately. I realized today that, after spending the past three months either alone or in one-on-one situations, I've unlearned proper socialization. I've never been awesome with that, and I've had times when it really felt like a chore to be around other people. But I'm at the point now where I just...don't want to. Whenever I'm invited somewhere, I ask the question, “Who is it hurting if I don't show up?” I'm comfortable laying in my bed watching TV, and chances are no one's going to miss me. So really...why go through the effort? I realize, consciously, that it actually is hurting me. But obviously knowing that something is bad for me has never stopped me from doing (or not doing) it before. Just ask my scale. I'm frustrated with how inconsistent people are, and how much I genuinely desire to find people who are more reliable, but haven't been able to. I'm realizing, after spending a lot of years trying to avoid it, that I do want people to pay attention to me. I want to matter to someone – or a few someones. And spending all this time alone with my thoughts, not feeling like I have much of a support system, is impacting my concept of self-worth.
I know it should start with me. I know I need to believe I'm worth it before anyone else will. And the thing is... Most of the time I do. But like any human being, I need reinforcement. And that's been so hard to find lately.
I said at the beginning of this project that I needed to find love within myself before I could find it with another person. I'm obviously not there yet.
There's more to say, but I'll write a new entry tomorrow.
I'm still not at work. Now scheduled to go back September 19. The past few weeks have been busy (not for me, but for others around me), and I haven't been able to get to therapy as much as I think is necessary. My psychiatrist agreed, and gave me the extra month. Overall, I'm just...okay. I guess that's better than bad, but I'm still not pleased with it.
My mother and I have had our share of clashes recently. She had been planning her annual vacation to New Hampshire, and I wasn't exactly thrilled about being completely alone for the duration, but I told her to do whatever she wanted. Initially she was going to have my grandparents stay here, but then my grandmother ended up in the hospital. So I was on my own. I tried to get a therapy appointment before she left, and what I ended up with was a 2PM on the day she was leaving. Her plan was to leave at noon. I asked, nicely, if she could come with me to the appointment and then leave for New Hampshire after. She said no. She couldn't put her vacation off for that small amount of time to help me. I was furious. So I was already not pleased that I'd be even more alone than usual for five days, but she was leaving me alone and upset. In the end, I was fine. But the way she acted didn't sit well with me.
This past week, there was some confusion about my therapy appointment. First I thought it was Tuesday at 2:15. So I asked my mother if she could leave work a little early to come with me. She wasn't happy about it, but she did it. Then my therapist contacted me around 1 and said she made a mistake, and the opening was Wednesday. I called my mother, who was on her way home...and she yelled at me. It wasn't my fault. It was just a mistake. She ended up going back to work and then leaving early Wednesday. But she was, again, really angry and put out. And I get it. I know she doesn't like taking the time off. But I am asking you for help. I do not have anyone else. Look at it from my perspective.
Even worse was that she told me she was lying to her boss about why she was leaving. When she said that, I hung up on her and started to cry. That was so patently offensive to me. Like she was trying to hide it. Like I was some kind of embarassment. When she got home, she explained that she just didn't want people at work knowing her business. But then she also told me this was the last time she would lie for me, like I'm a criminal she's done protecting or something. Which made me feel awesome.
I'm having issues with all people lately. I realized today that, after spending the past three months either alone or in one-on-one situations, I've unlearned proper socialization. I've never been awesome with that, and I've had times when it really felt like a chore to be around other people. But I'm at the point now where I just...don't want to. Whenever I'm invited somewhere, I ask the question, “Who is it hurting if I don't show up?” I'm comfortable laying in my bed watching TV, and chances are no one's going to miss me. So really...why go through the effort? I realize, consciously, that it actually is hurting me. But obviously knowing that something is bad for me has never stopped me from doing (or not doing) it before. Just ask my scale. I'm frustrated with how inconsistent people are, and how much I genuinely desire to find people who are more reliable, but haven't been able to. I'm realizing, after spending a lot of years trying to avoid it, that I do want people to pay attention to me. I want to matter to someone – or a few someones. And spending all this time alone with my thoughts, not feeling like I have much of a support system, is impacting my concept of self-worth.
I know it should start with me. I know I need to believe I'm worth it before anyone else will. And the thing is... Most of the time I do. But like any human being, I need reinforcement. And that's been so hard to find lately.
I said at the beginning of this project that I needed to find love within myself before I could find it with another person. I'm obviously not there yet.
There's more to say, but I'll write a new entry tomorrow.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Day 36: Opportunity.
I've been grappling with a lot lately.
I'm coming up on two weeks left until I'm supposed to go back to work. And if that's going to happen, I have a metric ton of work to do in that short period of time. I don't see it happening. I know it'll sound like a load of excuses, but I have reasons for why I can't seem to make any progress.
First of all... Between my ability (or inability) to get a ride and her schedule, I haven't been able to see my therapist as much as I think I need to. She's always said that if I need to see her at a time that may be outside her hours, I can call her and we can work something out, but I really really hate doing that. It's the whole...not wanting to ask for help and not wanting to inconvenience people thing. Which I know I need to get over, but I just... I don't want to be that person.
Secondly... When a lot of my issue has become about being alone, where do I find myself most of the time? Alone. My mother works two jobs, and lately she's been going off with her friends all weekend, to the casino or whatever, too. She's almost never here. She makes all these plans and never has free time where she's willing to help me, by coming out with me while I drive somewhere, or even just bringing me out. And when she's free, she's too tired. Today I did go out on my own for a little while, just around town. I went to the grocery store and the post office, then tried to drive for a bit with no destination. I lasted twenty minutes, and I was really anxious the whole time. When my mother got home from work, I told her about it, and her response was, “You really need to get over this soon, you know.” Like it's a switch I can flip. That's always how she treats it.
And finally... Medication. I'm at 75mg of Zoloft on my way to 100mg, but I also just started my period. So I've been anxious the past few days from the PMS, and now I know the next three will be the same way. It's certainly not at the level it has been in the past, but it's there, and I'm going to get more anxious over the first two or three days after the dosage increase. I'm still going to increase tonight and see what happens, but I can't go too fast. I wasted a lot of time at 50mg waiting for my psychiatrist appointment, because I didn't want to increase and then have him give me something different, just to go through the tapering down process and start over. And I've given myself 10 days at 75mg, which is a safe amount of time. I'm starting to think I'll need to add Xanax in, and I hate Xanax with the burning passion of a thousand suns, but I'm running out of time... I don't like feeling like that.
Yet somehow, in the midst of all this, I've decided now is a completely appropriate time to look for a new job. I'm not going to lie and say I love my job, because I don't. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I'm not comfortable there, and there is no doubt in my mind that my current issues were and are exacerbated by being at or considering going back to work. I'm still not sure what I want to do, but I know there has to be something out there that won't make me feel like this. As much as I typically shun the idea of commitment, I want to find something I can do for a long time. Even if it isn't necessarily what comes to mind when I eventually have the epiphany that I know will come (yeah...right), I'm willing to settle somewhere. But I want it to mean something to me, and to the people I work with. Something beyond a paycheck. And I don't have that now.
I ended up with two interviews, one via phone and the other in-person. At this point, I highly doubt I'll be able to make it to the in-person interview. I was telling my mother what the jobs were, and that I got interviews, and she asked me why I was even bothering, since I knew I wasn't in any position to take a new job. And why did I? Because I needed to prove to myself that there was something else out there. I needed to prove to myself that there were other companies that would be interested in me. Even if I didn't get the job, they were interested enough to want to learn more about me. And it had everything to do with the effort I put into my cover letters. In one (it was an administrative assistant position at a psychologist's office), I even mentioned my struggles with anxiety, and argued that it gave me a unique ability to empathize with the clients I would be dealing with on a daily basis. I took an imperfection, turned it into a positive, and someone was okay with it. So maybe I won't make it to the interview. But it still feels good to know there's hope, even with all I'm going through.
I'm going to spend the next few days really looking for telecommuting options. I know that'll be difficult, since there are so many scams out there. I need to be on an actual company's payroll, and to have benefits, but just be allowed to work from home. There are a million contract jobs out there for telecommuters, but I can't do that. I've been thinking about doing freelance writing for a while, but I can't get private health insurance on my own if I go that route. And I need it. This whole thing frustrates me because I'm capable of working, and being incredibly productive. Just, apparently, not...at work. So if anyone reading this has any ideas, please let me know. I may try to contact a staffing agency for the disabled (an old coworker of mine is a recruiter for one) and see what they can do.
My next therapy appointment is Tuesday. And since I keep finding myself needing to let things out, that'll be...really important. I guess I have to keep working on the meds and the driving and see how things go. And try not to beat myself up for things I can't help.
So much easier said than done.
I'm coming up on two weeks left until I'm supposed to go back to work. And if that's going to happen, I have a metric ton of work to do in that short period of time. I don't see it happening. I know it'll sound like a load of excuses, but I have reasons for why I can't seem to make any progress.
First of all... Between my ability (or inability) to get a ride and her schedule, I haven't been able to see my therapist as much as I think I need to. She's always said that if I need to see her at a time that may be outside her hours, I can call her and we can work something out, but I really really hate doing that. It's the whole...not wanting to ask for help and not wanting to inconvenience people thing. Which I know I need to get over, but I just... I don't want to be that person.
Secondly... When a lot of my issue has become about being alone, where do I find myself most of the time? Alone. My mother works two jobs, and lately she's been going off with her friends all weekend, to the casino or whatever, too. She's almost never here. She makes all these plans and never has free time where she's willing to help me, by coming out with me while I drive somewhere, or even just bringing me out. And when she's free, she's too tired. Today I did go out on my own for a little while, just around town. I went to the grocery store and the post office, then tried to drive for a bit with no destination. I lasted twenty minutes, and I was really anxious the whole time. When my mother got home from work, I told her about it, and her response was, “You really need to get over this soon, you know.” Like it's a switch I can flip. That's always how she treats it.
And finally... Medication. I'm at 75mg of Zoloft on my way to 100mg, but I also just started my period. So I've been anxious the past few days from the PMS, and now I know the next three will be the same way. It's certainly not at the level it has been in the past, but it's there, and I'm going to get more anxious over the first two or three days after the dosage increase. I'm still going to increase tonight and see what happens, but I can't go too fast. I wasted a lot of time at 50mg waiting for my psychiatrist appointment, because I didn't want to increase and then have him give me something different, just to go through the tapering down process and start over. And I've given myself 10 days at 75mg, which is a safe amount of time. I'm starting to think I'll need to add Xanax in, and I hate Xanax with the burning passion of a thousand suns, but I'm running out of time... I don't like feeling like that.
Yet somehow, in the midst of all this, I've decided now is a completely appropriate time to look for a new job. I'm not going to lie and say I love my job, because I don't. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I'm not comfortable there, and there is no doubt in my mind that my current issues were and are exacerbated by being at or considering going back to work. I'm still not sure what I want to do, but I know there has to be something out there that won't make me feel like this. As much as I typically shun the idea of commitment, I want to find something I can do for a long time. Even if it isn't necessarily what comes to mind when I eventually have the epiphany that I know will come (yeah...right), I'm willing to settle somewhere. But I want it to mean something to me, and to the people I work with. Something beyond a paycheck. And I don't have that now.
I ended up with two interviews, one via phone and the other in-person. At this point, I highly doubt I'll be able to make it to the in-person interview. I was telling my mother what the jobs were, and that I got interviews, and she asked me why I was even bothering, since I knew I wasn't in any position to take a new job. And why did I? Because I needed to prove to myself that there was something else out there. I needed to prove to myself that there were other companies that would be interested in me. Even if I didn't get the job, they were interested enough to want to learn more about me. And it had everything to do with the effort I put into my cover letters. In one (it was an administrative assistant position at a psychologist's office), I even mentioned my struggles with anxiety, and argued that it gave me a unique ability to empathize with the clients I would be dealing with on a daily basis. I took an imperfection, turned it into a positive, and someone was okay with it. So maybe I won't make it to the interview. But it still feels good to know there's hope, even with all I'm going through.
I'm going to spend the next few days really looking for telecommuting options. I know that'll be difficult, since there are so many scams out there. I need to be on an actual company's payroll, and to have benefits, but just be allowed to work from home. There are a million contract jobs out there for telecommuters, but I can't do that. I've been thinking about doing freelance writing for a while, but I can't get private health insurance on my own if I go that route. And I need it. This whole thing frustrates me because I'm capable of working, and being incredibly productive. Just, apparently, not...at work. So if anyone reading this has any ideas, please let me know. I may try to contact a staffing agency for the disabled (an old coworker of mine is a recruiter for one) and see what they can do.
My next therapy appointment is Tuesday. And since I keep finding myself needing to let things out, that'll be...really important. I guess I have to keep working on the meds and the driving and see how things go. And try not to beat myself up for things I can't help.
So much easier said than done.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day 26: Readiness.
This is a concept with which I struggle. No matter how many skills I have or how mentally prepared I think I am, I'm never ready. Never.
I'm not sure an an anxious person ever is, really. We spend too much time on "what if" and "maybe" to be fully prepared. We know the possibilities, but after all the cogitation on what we would do in any of those situations, and our already racing minds, any assuredness we may have had disappears. And we always come up with some other outlandish potential outcome just before we're about to do whatever it is, so we don't have adequate time to evaluate it. Not that it matters, since things rarely play out in real life as they do in our heads, despite how imaginative we think we are.
I've been debating the readiness issue (with myself, of course) over the past couple weeks. Am I ready to try and drive? Am I ready to go back to work? Am I ready to pick a grad school? Am I ready for a relationship? Am I emotionally ready to handle all negative things without falling apart? Am I ready for anything - anything at all - or am I going to end up stagnant because I can't figure out a way to prepare myself to take the next step in my life?
I know I'm fragile right now. So it makes some degree of sense to be questioning all this at the moment. I'm ready for change consciously, but I'm also quite aware that this is not the time to change anything. Pushing me outside my comfort zone now would inevitably lead to disaster. But it even feels like thinking about changing, readying myself for change, is too overwhelming. I know I have to eventually, and this would seem like an appropriate time. But that's entirely too much stress.
Maybe this is something that confounds me because I don't know what I'm getting ready for. I haven't the slightest idea what I want to do with my life, nor do I really know what it is that's best for me at this juncture. I know what people tell me is best for me, but I'm also aware that they're...most likely wrong. Very few people really understand me, so their "advice" is rather pointless. There are a lot of things I need to decide for myself. Someday. But I'm not prepared.
I can say with certainty, however, that I've always been ready for someone or something to come along and change my perspective - for the better. Lots of things happen that make me even more frustrated, more angry with whatever supreme force controls the universe. I would be beyond ready for something to temper the cynicism, take away the indecision, show me the right path. I know I shouldn't be relying on anyone but myself to change how I look at things, but if I could have done that on my own, wouldn't I have done it already?
Maybe I'm not ready because I'm waiting for an epiphany. Maybe I'm not ready because nothing has spoken to me just yet. But I know, without question, that I'm ready to listen.
I'm not sure an an anxious person ever is, really. We spend too much time on "what if" and "maybe" to be fully prepared. We know the possibilities, but after all the cogitation on what we would do in any of those situations, and our already racing minds, any assuredness we may have had disappears. And we always come up with some other outlandish potential outcome just before we're about to do whatever it is, so we don't have adequate time to evaluate it. Not that it matters, since things rarely play out in real life as they do in our heads, despite how imaginative we think we are.
I've been debating the readiness issue (with myself, of course) over the past couple weeks. Am I ready to try and drive? Am I ready to go back to work? Am I ready to pick a grad school? Am I ready for a relationship? Am I emotionally ready to handle all negative things without falling apart? Am I ready for anything - anything at all - or am I going to end up stagnant because I can't figure out a way to prepare myself to take the next step in my life?
I know I'm fragile right now. So it makes some degree of sense to be questioning all this at the moment. I'm ready for change consciously, but I'm also quite aware that this is not the time to change anything. Pushing me outside my comfort zone now would inevitably lead to disaster. But it even feels like thinking about changing, readying myself for change, is too overwhelming. I know I have to eventually, and this would seem like an appropriate time. But that's entirely too much stress.
Maybe this is something that confounds me because I don't know what I'm getting ready for. I haven't the slightest idea what I want to do with my life, nor do I really know what it is that's best for me at this juncture. I know what people tell me is best for me, but I'm also aware that they're...most likely wrong. Very few people really understand me, so their "advice" is rather pointless. There are a lot of things I need to decide for myself. Someday. But I'm not prepared.
I can say with certainty, however, that I've always been ready for someone or something to come along and change my perspective - for the better. Lots of things happen that make me even more frustrated, more angry with whatever supreme force controls the universe. I would be beyond ready for something to temper the cynicism, take away the indecision, show me the right path. I know I shouldn't be relying on anyone but myself to change how I look at things, but if I could have done that on my own, wouldn't I have done it already?
Maybe I'm not ready because I'm waiting for an epiphany. Maybe I'm not ready because nothing has spoken to me just yet. But I know, without question, that I'm ready to listen.
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