I've been grappling with a lot lately.
I'm coming up on two weeks left until I'm supposed to go back to work. And if that's going to happen, I have a metric ton of work to do in that short period of time. I don't see it happening. I know it'll sound like a load of excuses, but I have reasons for why I can't seem to make any progress.
First of all... Between my ability (or inability) to get a ride and her schedule, I haven't been able to see my therapist as much as I think I need to. She's always said that if I need to see her at a time that may be outside her hours, I can call her and we can work something out, but I really really hate doing that. It's the whole...not wanting to ask for help and not wanting to inconvenience people thing. Which I know I need to get over, but I just... I don't want to be that person.
Secondly... When a lot of my issue has become about being alone, where do I find myself most of the time? Alone. My mother works two jobs, and lately she's been going off with her friends all weekend, to the casino or whatever, too. She's almost never here. She makes all these plans and never has free time where she's willing to help me, by coming out with me while I drive somewhere, or even just bringing me out. And when she's free, she's too tired. Today I did go out on my own for a little while, just around town. I went to the grocery store and the post office, then tried to drive for a bit with no destination. I lasted twenty minutes, and I was really anxious the whole time. When my mother got home from work, I told her about it, and her response was, “You really need to get over this soon, you know.” Like it's a switch I can flip. That's always how she treats it.
And finally... Medication. I'm at 75mg of Zoloft on my way to 100mg, but I also just started my period. So I've been anxious the past few days from the PMS, and now I know the next three will be the same way. It's certainly not at the level it has been in the past, but it's there, and I'm going to get more anxious over the first two or three days after the dosage increase. I'm still going to increase tonight and see what happens, but I can't go too fast. I wasted a lot of time at 50mg waiting for my psychiatrist appointment, because I didn't want to increase and then have him give me something different, just to go through the tapering down process and start over. And I've given myself 10 days at 75mg, which is a safe amount of time. I'm starting to think I'll need to add Xanax in, and I hate Xanax with the burning passion of a thousand suns, but I'm running out of time... I don't like feeling like that.
Yet somehow, in the midst of all this, I've decided now is a completely appropriate time to look for a new job. I'm not going to lie and say I love my job, because I don't. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I'm not comfortable there, and there is no doubt in my mind that my current issues were and are exacerbated by being at or considering going back to work. I'm still not sure what I want to do, but I know there has to be something out there that won't make me feel like this. As much as I typically shun the idea of commitment, I want to find something I can do for a long time. Even if it isn't necessarily what comes to mind when I eventually have the epiphany that I know will come (yeah...right), I'm willing to settle somewhere. But I want it to mean something to me, and to the people I work with. Something beyond a paycheck. And I don't have that now.
I ended up with two interviews, one via phone and the other in-person. At this point, I highly doubt I'll be able to make it to the in-person interview. I was telling my mother what the jobs were, and that I got interviews, and she asked me why I was even bothering, since I knew I wasn't in any position to take a new job. And why did I? Because I needed to prove to myself that there was something else out there. I needed to prove to myself that there were other companies that would be interested in me. Even if I didn't get the job, they were interested enough to want to learn more about me. And it had everything to do with the effort I put into my cover letters. In one (it was an administrative assistant position at a psychologist's office), I even mentioned my struggles with anxiety, and argued that it gave me a unique ability to empathize with the clients I would be dealing with on a daily basis. I took an imperfection, turned it into a positive, and someone was okay with it. So maybe I won't make it to the interview. But it still feels good to know there's hope, even with all I'm going through.
I'm going to spend the next few days really looking for telecommuting options. I know that'll be difficult, since there are so many scams out there. I need to be on an actual company's payroll, and to have benefits, but just be allowed to work from home. There are a million contract jobs out there for telecommuters, but I can't do that. I've been thinking about doing freelance writing for a while, but I can't get private health insurance on my own if I go that route. And I need it. This whole thing frustrates me because I'm capable of working, and being incredibly productive. Just, apparently, not...at work. So if anyone reading this has any ideas, please let me know. I may try to contact a staffing agency for the disabled (an old coworker of mine is a recruiter for one) and see what they can do.
My next therapy appointment is Tuesday. And since I keep finding myself needing to let things out, that'll be...really important. I guess I have to keep working on the meds and the driving and see how things go. And try not to beat myself up for things I can't help.
So much easier said than done.
