Day 26: Readiness.

This is a concept with which I struggle. No matter how many skills I have or how mentally prepared I think I am, I'm never ready. Never.

I'm not sure an an anxious person ever is, really. We spend too much time on "what if" and "maybe" to be fully prepared. We know the possibilities, but after all the cogitation on what we would do in any of those situations, and our already racing minds, any assuredness we may have had disappears. And we always come up with some other outlandish potential outcome just before we're about to do whatever it is, so we don't have adequate time to evaluate it. Not that it matters, since things rarely play out in real life as they do in our heads, despite how imaginative we think we are.

I've been debating the readiness issue (with myself, of course) over the past couple weeks. Am I ready to try and drive? Am I ready to go back to work? Am I ready to pick a grad school? Am I ready for a relationship? Am I emotionally ready to handle all negative things without falling apart? Am I ready for anything - anything at all - or am I going to end up stagnant because I can't figure out a way to prepare myself to take the next step in my life?

I know I'm fragile right now. So it makes some degree of sense to be questioning all this at the moment. I'm ready for change consciously, but I'm also quite aware that this is not the time to change anything. Pushing me outside my comfort zone now would inevitably lead to disaster. But it even feels like thinking about changing, readying myself for change, is too overwhelming. I know I have to eventually, and this would seem like an appropriate time. But that's entirely too much stress.

Maybe this is something that confounds me because I don't know what I'm getting ready for. I haven't the slightest idea what I want to do with my life, nor do I really know what it is that's best for me at this juncture. I know what people tell me is best for me, but I'm also aware that they're...most likely wrong. Very few people really understand me, so their "advice" is rather pointless. There are a lot of things I need to decide for myself. Someday. But I'm not prepared.

I can say with certainty, however, that I've always been ready for someone or something to come along and change my perspective - for the better. Lots of things happen that make me even more frustrated, more angry with whatever supreme force controls the universe. I would be beyond ready for something to temper the cynicism, take away the indecision, show me the right path. I know I shouldn't be relying on anyone but myself to change how I look at things, but if I could have done that on my own, wouldn't I have done it already?

Maybe I'm not ready because I'm waiting for an epiphany. Maybe I'm not ready because nothing has spoken to me just yet. But I know, without question, that I'm ready to listen.