I had my second therapy session on Thursday. We haven't graduated to the hypnotherapy yet; I've thought it necessary to do a little traditional talk therapy first, mainly because I haven't really been able to talk to another human being that isn't my mother or grandparents in over a month. My next appointment is Tuesday afternoon and we'll start the hypnosis then. I'm trying to convince myself I'm susceptible (15% of people aren't, and they're mainly introverts...like me), because I really want this to work for me. I'm going into it open-minded and hopeful, so that's got to count for something.
My main focus right now is the fact that I'm bordering on agoraphobic. In the past month, I've only gone out for appointments and a couple times for groceries. And going out alone has been pretty much out of the question. I've been too anxious to drive, and the idea of trying to drive then getting stuck somewhere and not being able to get back is too much for me. Someone has to be with me or I don't feel right. It's funny, though, that when I'm actually having a panic attack, I want people to leave me alone. Like...I want them in the same building, but not in the same room, I guess.
I've taken small steps lately. On Wednesday, I had to go to the post office. No one was home (another thing with which I'm still not completely comfortable). The post office is a half mile from my house. So I said to myself, "Okay...I have to go. I guess I'm gonna go now." And I went. Then when I parked the car, my gas light came on. After I finished my business there, I proceeded to the gas station, two miles in the other direction. I did it and I didn't freak out. But I was still nervous, and I don't know how much further I could have gone before the freak out occurred.
I told my therapist, who had just finished telling the insurance company I was agoraphobic and therefore unprepared to return to work (still true; being able to go somewhere alone for fifteen minutes for the first time in a month isn't exactly huge progress). She was proud of me, and asked what enabled me to do it. All I could say was that I just...got up and did it without really thinking about it. And I was feeling good that day, and it didn't seem like it would be as bad as it usually is. I didn't really have an answer. It just...happened.
Friday night, my dear feline was out of food, and I needed some snacks. So I went to the grocery store, one mile from my house. I shopped as quickly as I could, since I was still nervous, then went right home. The whole trip lasted twenty minutes. I'm doing it. Slowly. But I'm doing it.
(And yes, it's frustrating as hell to have been completely independent and not at all worried about stuff like this a couple months ago, feeling like someone flipped a switch and turned me into a different person. In case anyone was wondering.)
I have an appointment with my primary care doctor this week and with my psychiatrist next week. I'm not sure I'll be able to make the drives myself, but I have no one to bring me. I'm going to attempt to change the appointment with my primary to a day my mother can drive me. But I absolutely cannot change the psychiatrist appointment. I'm on a deadline for paperwork (psychiatric evaluation) that technically already passed, but the insurance company is giving me a break. My mother said she would take the day off, but she's been complaining about not having enough money to pay our property taxes...
It's times like this that make me a little sad that I don't have a someone to help me out. I'm stubborn and I don't really like to rely on anyone, and that's hardly the main goal of a relationship. But it'd be really nice to say I could ask someone other than my mother to drive me to an appointment. And they'd be happy to do it, instead of mumbling under their breath about the inconvenience, because they know how important it is.
I'm not asking for much.
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