Day 22: Time.

It's been a few days. A somewhat busy few days.

Monday was my appointment with the psychiatrist. It went well. He said it sounds like I'm on the right path, and to increase my Zoloft and continue with therapy. I told him about the agoraphobia (which is slowly getting better), and he granted me another month off from work to recover, and we would re-assess everything at my next appointment on August 18, or sooner if I felt it necessary. I got word this morning from the insurance company that my disability claim was approved through August 21. It's good news, but the guilt of not being at work still lingers, and not beating myself up over it is very difficult.

Tuesday was my first hypnotherapy session. I didn't relax as much as I wanted to, and I definitely wasn't in a trance-type state. But my therapist says it generally takes three sessions to get there if it's something you haven't done before, so that made me feel better. Her schedule is weird for the next week, so I'm not sure when I'll be able to get there next. She said if I needed to see her, we could work something out. We'll see.

Today was the first time in five days that I didn't go out. Monday after my appointment, my mother and I went grocery shopping. We were there for quite a while, and I actually did pretty well. I was anxious before we left the house that morning, but it wore off, and I didn't feel like I'd lost my resolve until about three hours in. Thankfully we were already on the way home by then. Tuesday was therapy. Wednesday I had my first meal at a restaurant in almost two months, which was something that had made me nervous to even think about for a long time. And last night, I did some more shopping. Of course, I didn't do any of this alone. I may have to face that tomorrow when I go to a social event, potentially on my own. But that all depends on how I feel right before it's time to go.

I've been thinking about time lately. In the past year or so, I've become keenly aware of my age. My body is beginning to fail me (a subject for a different entry). I'm watching my friends get married, have kids, turn 30...or 40. I've realized people born in 1995 are driving now. And the real kicker is that I'll sometimes make what's meant to be a throwaway comment, then pause and reflect and realize it's something my mother would say. I've had to face it: I'm old. Maybe not chronologically, but I feel like the world has changed a great deal in the 28 years I've been on it. Technology has advanced more quickly than ever before, and we've sort of all...grown up faster. More responsibility, more stress, more drama. So here's your wake-up call, Millenials: You're aging. Start stocking up on hair dye, wrinkle cream, and Viagra. You're gonna need it.

I'd feel better about getting older if I didn't feel like I'd wasted so much time. And please - don't tell me I'm not. I'm doing it right now. I could think of a dozen more productive things I could be doing right now. I've perfected the art of procrastination over the course of my life. I am excellent at wasting time. I'm even more excellent at feeling guilty about it, but then not changing the behavior.

It's been more of an issue to me since I've been sitting around at home. I mean, I've always had issues with thinking I'm so far behind my peers - that I haven't accomplished enough, and that I don't even have the direction or motivation to accomplish anything. But after spending six weeks stuck in the house, more or less, I've realized just how long six weeks is. I've realized what could be done in six weeks, and how little I'm actually doing. I've lived through approximately 244 six-week periods. How many of those have I spent just like this? I'm not sure I want to know.

I don't want to go into a bunch of cliches here, about making every moment matter or...something. Mostly because I think every moment already does matter, and that doesn't mean it needs to be full of dramatic searches for meaning or what have you. We often learn the most about ourselves when we're not actively trying to do so. But eventually we all realize there's something we're not doing. We're not working the right job, we're not in the right relationship, whatever it happens to be. And we realize, when it comes to changing those things, time is against us. Time is against all of us. There are no exceptions. It's up to us to change how we react to that inevitability.

I'm starting small. I want to not waste the next month. I want to be able to say I didn't just recover - I improved. I want to use time to my advantage for once instead of feeling like its victim. And I hope that can set the tone for this entire process.