Had another therapy session the other day. We didn't get into the hypnosis yet, because other things keep coming up that I need to talk about. But next week, it'll definitely happen.
My mother brought me to the appointment, so I introduced her to my therapist. And that, of course, brought on discussion of our relationship. I've known for quite some time that it's not exactly healthy. It's not completely unhealthy, either. It's functional, and I can safely say we don't hate one another. So, y'know...that's a plus, right? Nonetheless, we got to talking about attachment. And I have a pretty significant background in psychology, so the concept is not unfamiliar to me. She theorized that I'm insecurely attached, and that may have something to do with my current view on relationships.
I try to fight the stereotype of the only child. I was never "spoiled," neither with attention nor material things. At least not by my parents. I spent the majority of my childhood with my grandparents, since both my parents worked full-time. My grandmother taught me how to read and write. We watched her "stories" every afternoon, played cards, put together puzzles... We'd go on walks to the park, or she'd give me pointers on gardening in the back yard. She didn't work; she didn't even drive. I was her entertainment as much as she was mine. I don't remember too much of anything before, say, 12 or so, and she passed away when I was 14. But I do know her style of caring was different from that of my parents, and the transition probably wasn't all that easy.
Right, back to the spoiling... My grandmother may very well have given me more attention that my parents could at that point. But I don't know that I can call classify it as the spoiling amount. And as material possessions go, I never had the fanciest clothes or the newest toys. I started working when I was 15. I paid for my own first car. That was not exactly the norm in my hometown. What typical only child traits did I actually get? The sheltering. I never rode a bus to school. My mother drove me until I was 16 and able to drive myself. I never had a curfew, but I was 22 before I was allowed to leave the house after 8PM. I'm 28 now, and I still think she's perturbed if she finds out I take a shower when she's not home (slip and fall danger, y'know).
But I also very much got the "no, I'll do it myself!" complex. No, you may not open that jar for me; I'll do it myself. No, you may not pay for my dinner; I'll do it myself. It's the struggle for independence that most only children have. When you grow up around so many adults, all of whom are there (in the ideal situation, at least) to assist you at a moment's notice, sometimes you feel useless. If everyone does this for me, what do I do? Will I ever have to do it? Something in all this makes me think well-adjusted only children are difficult to find. They're either incredibly dependent because no one forced them to learn those skills, or they fought so hard to stand on their own that they've become detached or reckless. (A little developmental psychology is always fun.)
I'm a little on both sides of that fence, I think. I'll freely admit there are things I don't know how to do because I haven't had to do them yet. Like...live on my own. But on the other hand, it's something I want to do. Badly. Do I question my ability to handle it? Certainly do. But I realize I need to do it for myself and make my own mistakes. I understand the importance of being able to take care of myself, and to a certain extent, I accomplish that (current situation aside). But I wonder if I'm more in the "detached or reckless" category, because I really do have issues with feeling like I need someone. And the issue is that I don't want to. Even now, with the stuff I'm going through, part of me thinks that it's gotten this extreme because I tried so hard to do it on my own and not ask for help. I know "no man is an island" or whatever, but sometimes I'd really prefer this woman was.
Despite having been "out there" in the dating world for a while, it was actually fairly recently that I realized I may, in fact, be missing out by not being in a relationship. I maintained a pretty firm stance prior to that: If it happens, great. If it doesn't, also great. Now...it's a little different. I do want it. I do want someone. But that's still at odds with the structure I'd prefer within a relationship: No marriage. No kids. No joint bank accounts. As few things of "ours" as possible. I want to be able to get up and walk away if things don't work. I'm willing, in theory, to commit to a long-term relationship, but the formalities, in my eyes, don't make the bond any stronger or any more valid. I suppose the bottom line is...I don't want to lose myself in someone else. I don't want to have to consult someone else when I make life decisions. I'll allow for influence, but I don't want control. I want something balanced. And because I've never actually been in a situation that I could point to as being one way or the other, I've both idealized the middle ground and simultaneously determined it can't possibly exist without some kind of compromise. And I'm an only child, so I don't know how to do that.
I've always thought that, even though I've never been in a relationship of my own, I'm pretty well-versed on the ins and outs of that sort of thing. I've watched everyone around me make mistakes. I've seen what does and doesn't work, and I've observed interpersonal interactions between so many different types of people. You'd be amazed what you can learn by just listening. I know everything is totally different when it's someone else, but I'd still say I've gathered a decent amount of knowledge, and enough to say what it is I want. But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe that was all subconsciously determined for me beforehand, and all I've really learned is how to express it.
If anyone can tell me how to retrieve repressed memories, now would be the time.
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