Yeah, it's been almost a month since my last entry. I've become terrible at keeping up with this. I feel even more guilty because this is supposed to be a six month project. I suppose a lot, and yet nothing at all, has happened.
I'm still not at work. Now scheduled to go back September 19. The past few weeks have been busy (not for me, but for others around me), and I haven't been able to get to therapy as much as I think is necessary. My psychiatrist agreed, and gave me the extra month. Overall, I'm just...okay. I guess that's better than bad, but I'm still not pleased with it.
My mother and I have had our share of clashes recently. She had been planning her annual vacation to New Hampshire, and I wasn't exactly thrilled about being completely alone for the duration, but I told her to do whatever she wanted. Initially she was going to have my grandparents stay here, but then my grandmother ended up in the hospital. So I was on my own. I tried to get a therapy appointment before she left, and what I ended up with was a 2PM on the day she was leaving. Her plan was to leave at noon. I asked, nicely, if she could come with me to the appointment and then leave for New Hampshire after. She said no. She couldn't put her vacation off for that small amount of time to help me. I was furious. So I was already not pleased that I'd be even more alone than usual for five days, but she was leaving me alone and upset. In the end, I was fine. But the way she acted didn't sit well with me.
This past week, there was some confusion about my therapy appointment. First I thought it was Tuesday at 2:15. So I asked my mother if she could leave work a little early to come with me. She wasn't happy about it, but she did it. Then my therapist contacted me around 1 and said she made a mistake, and the opening was Wednesday. I called my mother, who was on her way home...and she yelled at me. It wasn't my fault. It was just a mistake. She ended up going back to work and then leaving early Wednesday. But she was, again, really angry and put out. And I get it. I know she doesn't like taking the time off. But I am asking you for help. I do not have anyone else. Look at it from my perspective.
Even worse was that she told me she was lying to her boss about why she was leaving. When she said that, I hung up on her and started to cry. That was so patently offensive to me. Like she was trying to hide it. Like I was some kind of embarassment. When she got home, she explained that she just didn't want people at work knowing her business. But then she also told me this was the last time she would lie for me, like I'm a criminal she's done protecting or something. Which made me feel awesome.
I'm having issues with all people lately. I realized today that, after spending the past three months either alone or in one-on-one situations, I've unlearned proper socialization. I've never been awesome with that, and I've had times when it really felt like a chore to be around other people. But I'm at the point now where I just...don't want to. Whenever I'm invited somewhere, I ask the question, “Who is it hurting if I don't show up?” I'm comfortable laying in my bed watching TV, and chances are no one's going to miss me. So really...why go through the effort? I realize, consciously, that it actually is hurting me. But obviously knowing that something is bad for me has never stopped me from doing (or not doing) it before. Just ask my scale. I'm frustrated with how inconsistent people are, and how much I genuinely desire to find people who are more reliable, but haven't been able to. I'm realizing, after spending a lot of years trying to avoid it, that I do want people to pay attention to me. I want to matter to someone – or a few someones. And spending all this time alone with my thoughts, not feeling like I have much of a support system, is impacting my concept of self-worth.
I know it should start with me. I know I need to believe I'm worth it before anyone else will. And the thing is... Most of the time I do. But like any human being, I need reinforcement. And that's been so hard to find lately.
I said at the beginning of this project that I needed to find love within myself before I could find it with another person. I'm obviously not there yet.
There's more to say, but I'll write a new entry tomorrow.
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