Day 75: Intercourse.

Okay, this is back on the primary topic. I'm going to talk about...sex. Or, more accurately, the prelude to sex.

I'm now working with another therapist in the same office, along with the therapist I've been seeing over the past couple months. Both have mentioned that I exhibit characteristics of a trauma survivor, and the trust issues, feelings of inferiority, and fear of abandonment that accompany it. I don't really remember much before the age of 14 or so, so if that's indeed the case – that I've been through some extreme trauma – it's nothing that I can recall. And yes, I realize that's also a characteristic of a trauma survivor. But no one's searching for any repressed memories. If it's not there, it's not there. We're not going to dwell on it; we're just going to deal with the result.

I've considered that I might have trust issues. But then when I reflect upon how I relate to people, I've not found myself to be particularly distrustful. I'm just about as cynical as a person can be, but I'm also a pretty good judge of character and I analyze everyone from the second I meet them. And if someone's not worth trusting, I'll generally figure it out pretty quickly. I'm fair. Everyone is under the same microscope, and if I don't like what I see, I don't pursue something. I consider it healthy skepticism. I will say, however, that once someone loses my trust, it's one hell of an uphill battle to earn it back. So I'm not sure I agree that I have issues there. Or maybe I just have a narrow view of what “trust” means, and my willingness to trust doesn't play as big a role as I think it does unless reciprocation is considered.

Inferiority? Yeah, I've got that. Fear of abandonment? Sure. My biggest obstacle when it comes to getting close to people is the perception that I always care more than the other party. I care more, I invest more, I feel more. Their impact on me is greater than my impact on them. It's the feeling that I'm disposable, forgettable...an afterthought. I avoid getting close to people because they can never seem to give at the level I want. I know it sounds strange coming from someone like me, since I rarely articulate my feelings to anyone or hug them or do any of those silly little things to let them know I'm thinking of them. I don't do direct displays of affection because I'm awkward. And because of that, I've cultivated a reputation for being a little cold and aloof and...well, kind of a bitch. But all of the emotionality is under the surface, and maybe I get burned because I can't quite ever share it when I really should, when it would bring me one step closer to really finding someone to give as much as I'd like.

Today in therapy we discussed the issue of “fakeness,” and how much I hate it. And we discussed change and how difficult I build it up to be. Often I have trouble discerning whether any change I may undergo is actual growth or if it's disingenuous to who I am. If I were to decide tomorrow that I was going to be a tactile, affectionate person who would sit people down and tell them what they mean to me... Is that me tapping into another part of myself, and learning to embrace that maybe that's something I want? Or am I doing it because other people expect that, and without it I won't be seen as an emotional, caring person who is capable of making deep connections? I want to believe it's not necessary for me to be outwardly sappy in order for someone to take me and my desire for emotional intimacy seriously, and I've been operating with that in mind. But it's hard not to question it when I'm... Well, where I am.

My therapist thinks I should have sex. Not, like, go out and do it tonight. But make significant steps toward being able to accept and enjoy physical intimacy, or even to accept and enjoy the idea that another person may want to be physically intimate with me. Because I have trouble with that. And with that, we're getting into a bunch of things... Being insecure about my looks, worrying that my inexperience will cause my partner to be disappointed... Not wanting to be a project for anyone. Nobody wants that. I get that we're all evolving (or at least we should be), but I'm so far behind my peers where this stuff is concerned. Anyone who gets involved with me is entering into a process. It'll require time and patience and support – more than in a typical relationship. Those things are not at the top of the priority list of the average 20-something male. I hear the voices in my head saying cliché things, like, “If he's the right guy, it won't matter.” Okay, maybe. But I'm not looking for Mr. Right. I'm beyond idealizing the situation. I'm over that. I've made my lists and painted all the perfect pictures in my head, and that's not reality. Things don't happen like that. Mr. Right Now is going to need to be okay with all of this, and that's where I get stuck.

There are other voices in my head saying I haven't been “out there” enough, haven't met enough people to know it's impossible. That I'm making assumptions. And maybe that's true, too. But all the insecurity feeds into that and keeps me from really trying as hard as I could. It's an evil cycle.

There's so much going on in my life (despite my incredible level of boredom). This stuff has been put on the back burner, because there are more immediate issues. But the pain is still there. And this may be the only time you'll catch me saying it...but it does hurt. It hurts a lot.

I walk the line between being completely unapologetic about who I am and what I have or haven't done...and feeling a little bit of shame for it. Until I reconcile that, I'm going be exactly where I am right now. Stuck.