Well. I've got a bit to discuss.
First things first... I took the GRE last Friday. I wasn't sure I was going to keep my appointment (logistics of getting a ride), so I didn't start any “studying” until a week before. I'm usually not one to prepare for a standardized test. The night before I took the SAT, for example, I was out until 1:30AM...and I'm pretty sure I'd been drinking. Yeah, I was 16. Don't judge. I did fine on the test, by the way. This time, though, with having been out of the academic loop for a while, I figured it was a little more important to review.
My mother drove me up and dropped me off. I was anxious. Not about the test, but the environment. I don't know these people. I can't leave. And I was preoccupied, so I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk on my way into the building and rolled my ankle, because I'm just that awesome. But I hobbled in and took the test. Despite not finishing the last four questions on one of the quantitative sections, I actually finished the whole thing in well under the allowed time. My grandparents were picking me up, but I was done 45 minutes before they were coming, so I sat outside at the picnic table, trying not to focus on the fact that I was alone and there was no escape.
But I made it. And according to my preliminary scores, I did pretty well.
Next on the agenda was my partially-triumphant return to work. After I saw my psychiatrist, he suggested returning part-time to ease my way back into things. So I'm only working 20 hours for a few weeks. Work is... Well, pretty much the same. A couple new people, a couple that aren't there anymore... But the dynamics are no different than before I left. The only change now is that I get to hide in a room toward the back of the store with one or two other people. I don't see nearly as many customers, and I don't do a whole lot of interacting with the rest of my coworkers. And I think that's probably best for me right now. I get to be alone and get acclimated to being at work again.
I'm far more anxious driving to and from work than I am when I'm there. So that's...good, I guess. And driving has gotten much, much better. I can handle the distance to work. On Monday, I have to see my doctor a little further away, and that'll probably be a test. But that's the only thing I have to do that day, so I won't feel pressure to get back by a certain time or whatever. I'm getting there. I really am.
So where am I now? Well... I'm going to use the free time I have while I'm only working 20 hours to work on grad school applications and possibly finding a job in a field to which I'm more suited. I'm still not completely sure where I'm applying and what programs I'm looking at. So with as much research as I feel like I've done, I'm still in the researching stage. I have a vague idea of what I want. But I'm not sure “vague” is going to do it for me. So... I just need to keep looking. I want all the applications to be in by the time my GRE scores are reported, though. So I can't look forever.
I'm disillusioned when it comes to relationships at the moment. I have a theory that, for myself at least, it would only take one thing going right to cause a chain reaction of positive events that would turn my life around. And I believed it should start with a relationship. I thought, if I found someone who cared about me despite my faults, that would give me the confidence to meet more people, then get the job I want, the education I want... To just get out there and feel more comfortable with myself because I knew there was at least one person that accepted me just as I was, so it would be possible that others, in any context, could do the same. It still makes sense to me, but I'm not sure it's necessary.
I was relying on outside influences to...give me worth. Or something. And I think the approval of others is important; most humans do. And I want that approval. But I need to approve of myself first, and I'm not sure I do yet. I'm frustrated, given everything I've gone through over the past few months. I'm on the right path. I genuinely believe that. But I think I've been putting my priorities in the wrong order. What I want and what I need are two different things, and I've got to figure out what's what. And that may ultimately mean I shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
Mindfuck, right?
I've got more. But I'll save it for a new entry.
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