Day 66: Trying.

And to continue from last night's entry...

At the end of my Day 36 entry, I mentioned the work situation – how I was looking for something else, and I'd gotten interviews. I did have the phone interview, which lead to an in-person interview. And I did go (thanks to an awesome friend who went out of his way to give me a ride). It went well. They liked me. I had a second phone interview with another person at the company, and I expressed that I did need health insurance. She said she was unsure whether there was any benefit structure in place currently (it's a very small company), but last she knew it was being worked on, and she would mention it to the owner. And that was the last I heard from them. They called all my references, did a background check... Then it was over. I never followed up, because I was pretty sure they just didn't have the benefits to offer and they knew I wouldn't accept the job. The other job... After canceling the interview twice, they continued to pursue me. But I wasn't going to make it, so I stopped responding.

But the important part here is that I proved to myself exactly what I set out to prove: I can get something else. I found two companies that were interested in me, as I am (I gave them full disclosure on my anxiety, and both were fine with it). I didn't get a job out of it, but it wasn't because of any personal fault (er...outside of not being able to drive to an interview at that point, but I don't consider that an essential part of my personality or anything). Is it frustrating to have gone through the process for nothing tangible to come of it? Sure. But I've been there before. And this time it felt different.

I'm still schedule to take the GRE on the 16th. I may postpone it, because I'm feeling enough pressure to be ready to go back to work on the 19th. Plus I procrastinated on the studying, and I realized the other night that I'm completely math inept now, and I don't know if I can fully refresh myself in two weeks. I may see if I can schedule it for the last day in September so I can still get the discount (it was half price). I've been doing more looking at grad schools, and even debating going back full-time as a graduate assistant. If I can pay off my credit card and my car in the next year, and get a cheap apartment with a roommate closer to the school (most likely UConn, maybe back to UHart – I don't want to go that far, and no other schools around here offer anything close to what I want), I may be able to make it on the grad assistant salary. Maybe. It's less than half what I make now. I've lived on that before, with the bills I have now, but throw rent and utilities into the mix and... I don't know. I need to think more.

And since I feel like I've been ignoring the initial point of this blog and project...

I'm having a terrible time meeting people. I still have a month left of my Match.com subscription, but I've been uninterested in even trying to wade through the profiles and find someone even remotely attractive to me. I've met a couple on OkCupid, but it's been virtually impossible for anyone to keep communicating with me, apparently. Going over a week between inane messages won't work for me. And I went out on a limb and gave a guy my number after only talking for a couple hours. We texted the rest of the night, and a couple hours the next night, and I must have said something wrong, because I never heard from him again. I posted an ad on CraigsList, and I was corresponding with a couple pretty cool people for about two weeks...who then completely stopped replying. So in some sense, I've been trying a little. And not getting anything out of it.

Do people know that I'm not happy with myself right now? Is this truly a case of putting out the wrong vibe without knowing I'm doing it? I mean... I've been very upfront with all of these people. I tell them what I'm going through, and they're fine with it, and we never mention it again. Sure, maybe it's in the back of their minds, and they're wondering just how much it influences the personality I'm showing them. And that's justified. There is an influence, but I'm not convinced it's all that great. Nor is it any different than one, two, five years ago, because this isn't a new thing for me. Just a little more apparent. I don't know... Usually I'm screwing myself by not putting myself out there. But it always happens that, when I do, I get disappointed. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm sure I could babble more... But I'll stop here. And try to be more regular with updating.